Holidays and Grief: Suggestions for Healing

by Daniel Klein, LCSW

                  The holiday season can be challenging for anyone who has experienced a loss. Whether the loss is the result of death, the ending of a relationship or through as symbolic loss as in the case of health status change, unemployment, or relocating when we experience a loss we grieve. With the changes individuals and families experience, the holidays can be a time of stress, sadness, loneliness, or dread.

                  Many of us are lead to believe various expectations of the holidays. Weeks before the holidays we begin to see the display of greeting cards and decorations. The old year is ending and a new one will begin soon. We may have dreams of a Norman Rockwell get-together where everything is perfect as we are surrounded by the warmth and love of family and friends. It is the time of the year when children are off from school, adult children return home and we may even have time off from work ourselves.

                  The holidays can be dreadful for anyone grieving a loss. Since grieving is a lifelong process, anyone who has experienced a loss will grieve. The feelings might not be as intense as when the loss first occurred. However, an array of emotions might be experienced during the holiday season. The challenge is to identify and utilize strategies to assist with the emotions experienced.

                  The holidays can be a time of healing. It is important to acknowledge that, while the holidays may be a difficult time of the year, it is also a manageable time of the year. The season may be less difficult if one takes a proactive role in planning how they wish to celebrate the holidays and remember their loved one or loss. With a tremendous focus on family during the holidays, one may feel more alone if their family has changed as a result of the loss.

                  It is important to understand and accept the range of emotions one may feel. From sadness or anger, to loneliness or emptiness, it is important to realize feelings are neither right nor wrong; they simply are. At a time of the year when the expectation is happiness, you are entitled to experience what you are feeling.

                  Traditions are often part of holiday celebrations. Cards are sent out, dinners are hosted, gifts are exchanged, and parties are attended. During this time of year, it is important to do what one desires to do. There are no musts. You don’t have to attend all the parties you are invited to. You can reduce the stress of buying gifts by shopping on-line or purchasing gift cards.

                  The holiday season can be a wonderful time to create memorials for loved ones. This can be combined with new family traditions. Perhaps money can be donated to a cause our loved one believed in. Each day we can undertake an activity that will allow us to think of our loved one or loss in a meaningful manner. Lighting a candle for our loved one while having reflective thoughts of the life shared can be a very affirming ritual.

                  It is also important to find new meanings in one’s life. While this is never an easy task it may help in experiencing the holidays as we move forward with our grief. It is helpful to focus on the true meaning of the holidays one celebrates and not become obsessed with the commercialization often associated with the holidays. A deeper appreciation of one’s life may be experienced as one begins to explore the spiritual connection of the holiday to one’s life.

                  Losses force us to develop new dreams for ourselves. When we experience a loss we experience the loss of dreams or hopes that are often connected to the loss. With divorce not only is the ending of the marriage experienced but also the dream of a happily ever after. The challenge is finding new dreams to work toward and celebrate.

                  Talking about the loss and what one is experiencing in healing. Grieving styles differ. Some people may want to talk while others are quietly reflective.

                  Sources of holiday stress can be identified and responses developed. If a source of stress is hosting a family dinner perhaps asking another family member to host will lessen the stress. It is important to choose how you wish to spend your time and focus on taking care of yourself. Essential is spending time with caring and supportive people. It is helpful for family and friends to allow you to feel whatever you are experiencing and not minimize your grief by asking you to be other than what you are experiencing.

                  Sharing memories can be healing. While our loved one may not be physically present their memories will forever live in us. Nothing can bring greater joy to our lives than honoring those who have had an impact on us.

                  The holiday season may bring assorted emotions to those grieving a loss. During this time of year it is important to acknowledge the loss one is grieving and accept the multitude of experienced emotions. Once feelings are accepted coping strategies can be developed and utilized. While the holiday season may be difficult it can also be a time for renewed strength and healing. This year may be different than previous years and next year, as a result of our journey through grief, can also be different.

Daniel Klein is a clinical social worker with the Center for Counseling at Family Service Agency of DeKalb County.